Give Me Liberty or Give Me Death

1) When your homies insist on sitting outside when its 90 degrees outside, there isn't a cloud in the sky, you haven't applied sunscreen, and there's 85% humidity in the air and you want to order a toasty grilled cheese and some crispy, burning hot french fries, and maybe a hot cup of coffee. That shit is not happening.

Do you think that these two gentlemen would ever choose to eat outside? Nay. Nay, they would not. Sitting outside is good if you're ready to post up for a while and drink about a hundred beers or margaritas or something and the temperature is relatively mild. But I've seen people eating outside on a crisp OCTOBER morning, wearing their fucking coats. Why would you do that.

2) Do you work in an office? Here's something that you, as a member of an office family, will inevitably have to deal with - having to pretend that stamp-sized pictures of other people's children are cute, that their art and inability to spell is impressive, and that you give a shit about their dance recitals. "I think on a day when the guys aren't here, I'm going to bring in the video [of my kid's dance recital] and we can watch it in the conference room." Where are the guys going to be that day and can I go there instead. Why don't we watch video of my cats walking around my apartment, instead?

BONUS: Do you know the episode of Seinfeld where Elaine Benes is driven to madness because of the overwhelming number of office parties she is subjected to? That's me. I am that. I had to witness a particularly embarrassing rendition of "For She's a Jolly Good Fellow" a few weeks ago for one co-worker's SECOND going away party. More than half of the office's birthdays are crammed into a two month period towards the beginning of the year. It's smooth sailing for now, since there aren't many summer birthdays, but if I have to eat another square of lardy, sugary sheet cake again in this lifetime, which I inevitably will, I am going to weep blood.