HUCKLEBERRY FRIEND: BENGT "AARON" ALCODRAY

Today's featured roll dawg: Aaron.

A still from young man's descent into complete madness.

Ride or die, nigga.

Still Thinking About Inception

"It's one of those shows that's so ghetto, you have to watch it."

If this is your opinion on Jersey Shore, you need to take a good long look in the mirror.

The people on Jersey Shore keep it so real it's, like, not even funny how real they are. I love realness, I love THE Jersey Shore and I fucking love Jersey Shore.

People with no real interests and bad senses of humor like things with a dutiful sense of irony, because it's better than confessing to actually liking something that's outside of your image or your "you" or whatever. Sarcasm is also HUGE for this reason. Irony can be the bomb, don't get me wrong. It is totally okay if you're talking about t-shirts or something like that, but when it comes to movies and TV and songs, I take my shit mad serious. Okay, for example, if you're at a party with a bunch of people with bad tattoos and bad haircuts, someone will, undoubtedly, play something retarded like the Spice Girls or "Bye Bye Bye" because it's kitschy and ironic. I don't have that gene. I run on sincerity. I love BYE BYE BYE and I look forward to the day that you say bye bye bye to that ugly ass haircut and get real. No one is impressed by that shit but you. You know what is impressive? Pauly D's 25 minute bulletproof blow-out.

People will watch Jersey Shore because it's a "train wreck" or some shit, but is it really? What's so funny about peace, love, gym, tan, and laundry?

I live for friendship!!! J-WOWW is a ride or die bitch and a true friend. She's Snooki's bodyguard, pretty much. They all love each other! You know what I learned watching the "coming up on this season of Jersey Shore" preview last night? None of the guys fight with each other and J-WOWW and Snickers don't fight with each other. The only people starting trouble are the two bitches in the house, Sam and Angelina (who, against better judgement, came back for round two). For the most part, the people on Jersey Shore are 100% self-confident and self-assured and that's why are, what I'd consider, their authentic selves on TV. What you see is what you get. They like to party and look good, and are not afraid of confrontation and honesty. These are the people you want to hang with. Not like the boring losers building a boring loser persona in front of cameras on The Real World post-2004 (post-RW Philadelphia which was pretty boring but decent).

You know how you know Jersey Shore is a good show? The Situation met Leonardo DiCaprio and Leo was like "GTL, all day."

Holy Shit

I've been going on and on about my "Inception erection" for a while now. Pretty much since I saw Paris folding in on itself during the trailer the first time I saw it (before what movie? I can't remember, but it was a while ago). At long last I saw Inception on Sunday night and EXPLODED EVERYWHERE! Figuratively, of course.

It was easily the best movie I've seen all year, maybe in the last two years? All I could think about were the DVD extras and how sweet it must have been to film that shit. That's right, none other movies. Not only is it visually remarkable (especially when you're bugging out on an extremely potent, weed-laced cocoa krispy treat), wonderfully acted by attractive people, and totally heavy - it seperates the people I like from the people I dislike pretty conclusively. For example. The really, really sweet people who can lick my butthole will say, "it's just a movie" and pretend to be unimpressed - this is because they're boring and are probably into really quiet boring movies because they think that they're "good" or "better" but they aren't, they're just pretentious. And I suspect that dumb people straight won't get it and won't be able to untangle the plot. Problematic. It's an suspenseful action movie for lucid, thoughtful humans, just like yours truly. One scene looks like something out of Goldeneye 64, OKAY.

Just do yourself a favor and see it. And if you can find a smelly-ass weed krispy treat at your local medical marijuana dispensery (I see you, Michigan) eat that shit first but make sure you have a large soda in your cupholder because dry mouth is coming for you.

Depends (the diapers, not the verb)

We all say dumb shit sometimes. One time I was at a party in a hotel in Chicago and someone mentioned that Flavor Flav was coming and I said to my friend, "EASY E IS HERE???!" And he laughed and was like "No you retard, Flavor Flav." Boy was my face red! Am I the only person on this earth who could get those two confused? I mean, their names are pretty similar phonetically. Anyway, I was just reminded of that little blip in time because I was thinking about Easy E because I was listening to Bone Thugs N Harmony and watching YouTube videos and reading their Wikipedia article.

All in all, a pretty productive morning for yours truly.

In other news, I'll be returning to the picturesque Southeast Lower Michigan for a few days on Wednesday.

Passion of the Christ

Let's get heavy for a moment, shall we?

I try to do good deeds as often as possible. But, like, good good deeds. I don't give money to bums because they're fucking bums and I don't always say "god bless you" because who cares. But I'll wave someone in front of me in traffic, or I'll ask an old lady which floor she's going to and push the button for her.

Today, I saved a life. A pigeon's life.

There was an injured pigeon on the corner of 18th & Walnut Street today on my lunch break. Really pathetic looking. At first I was like whoa this is one fearless sky rat, because it wasn't moving when people walked by. So I walked past. Then I came back. Then I walked away again. Then I came back and nudged it with my foot and it scooted along and spread its wings a little but didn't fly away. I figured it had a broken leg. So I tucked it right against a Metro newspaper box and called Animal Care & Control Team and told them there was an injured bird. They said they'd send someone and to put it somewhere, if possible. I hailed a police officer and said, could you help me move this bird, I know you have gloves. The police officer stopped and he was all reluctant and skeptical and shit, but in the end, he still stopped to help me and my new bird friend. He told me to call back the ACCT and tell them, listen, don't bullshit me, if you're sending someone for this bird, I am going to leave it here. If not, I'm taking it to the park. They stressed that yes, they were sending a driver for the bird. I left the bird tucked between two newspaper boxes and I think he's going to make it.

The cop stopping was the best. I could tell, secretly, his heart was in it. I apologized for wasting his time and he said it was okay because he wasn't in the middle of anything. Although he was skeptical that ACCT was going to even show up, he told me he didn't like seeing things suffer either and that "[police officers] aren't all heartless assholes." He was ready to put on those crackhead-handling gloves and pick the bird up, "Watch me get a million funny looks taking this bird to the park." But ACCT took me off hold at just the right moment.

Sky rats gross me out and they're dirty creatures and I think I should maybe douse my foot in Purell because I'm wearing flip flops, but fuck it. I am a friend to animals. When the birds take over like in The Birds, they're going to sail right past my window like "leave her alone, she's cool, she's cool." And when you read this and ask yourself, what is wrong with this pigeon-saving woman, I ask you this:

What good have YOU done today, motherfucker?!

Me, as a blonde, with a couple of homies.

Between this and the mayor smiling at me yesterday at Hoagie Day, I'm basically on my way to earning the key to the city.