Passion of the Christ

Let's get heavy for a moment, shall we?

I try to do good deeds as often as possible. But, like, good good deeds. I don't give money to bums because they're fucking bums and I don't always say "god bless you" because who cares. But I'll wave someone in front of me in traffic, or I'll ask an old lady which floor she's going to and push the button for her.

Today, I saved a life. A pigeon's life.

There was an injured pigeon on the corner of 18th & Walnut Street today on my lunch break. Really pathetic looking. At first I was like whoa this is one fearless sky rat, because it wasn't moving when people walked by. So I walked past. Then I came back. Then I walked away again. Then I came back and nudged it with my foot and it scooted along and spread its wings a little but didn't fly away. I figured it had a broken leg. So I tucked it right against a Metro newspaper box and called Animal Care & Control Team and told them there was an injured bird. They said they'd send someone and to put it somewhere, if possible. I hailed a police officer and said, could you help me move this bird, I know you have gloves. The police officer stopped and he was all reluctant and skeptical and shit, but in the end, he still stopped to help me and my new bird friend. He told me to call back the ACCT and tell them, listen, don't bullshit me, if you're sending someone for this bird, I am going to leave it here. If not, I'm taking it to the park. They stressed that yes, they were sending a driver for the bird. I left the bird tucked between two newspaper boxes and I think he's going to make it.

The cop stopping was the best. I could tell, secretly, his heart was in it. I apologized for wasting his time and he said it was okay because he wasn't in the middle of anything. Although he was skeptical that ACCT was going to even show up, he told me he didn't like seeing things suffer either and that "[police officers] aren't all heartless assholes." He was ready to put on those crackhead-handling gloves and pick the bird up, "Watch me get a million funny looks taking this bird to the park." But ACCT took me off hold at just the right moment.

Sky rats gross me out and they're dirty creatures and I think I should maybe douse my foot in Purell because I'm wearing flip flops, but fuck it. I am a friend to animals. When the birds take over like in The Birds, they're going to sail right past my window like "leave her alone, she's cool, she's cool." And when you read this and ask yourself, what is wrong with this pigeon-saving woman, I ask you this:

What good have YOU done today, motherfucker?!

Me, as a blonde, with a couple of homies.

Between this and the mayor smiling at me yesterday at Hoagie Day, I'm basically on my way to earning the key to the city.