Steal from the Rich and Give to the MEEEE

I saw two women shoplifting from Starbucks today. They were being all loud about it and shit, one of them was yelling for the bathroom key and snapping in the cashiers face while the other had the key in her hand and was jinglejangling that bad boy like it was her job. All of this for what? A bottle of Naked juice and maybe a premade Starbucks sandwich?

I used to be into shoplifting, but I was quiet about it. Or maybe I was stoned - I don't remember. It's okay, but just don't get fucking caught. I know people who have gotten caught over the age of 15 and that is pretty pathetic.

When I first came out of the stealing closet, two of my friends at the time were like "oh my god, I knew there were more of us out there". I learned a few tricks. I learned that you need to find DEAD ZONES where there are no cameras. There are no dead zones in Target and the pots/pants/kitchen appliance aisle at Meijer is a total deadzy.

I kind of fell out of shoplifting when I moved to Philly. There's too much riffraff here and people are on the look out. And when I worked in retail in the city for six months, I was the victim of shoplifting, so I'm a little more sympathetic now. That being said, I probably won't steal anything again anytime soon. Too risky and I make too much money these days to need to steal a block of cheese. But here's a list of notable things I have gotten a five finger discount on, within memory.

1. A pack of lighters, right in front of a cashier.
2. The knobs that are on my closet doors. Little ceramic frogs.
3. An assortment of cheeses for a wine & cheese night with friends.
4. Diet pills. This made up the bulk of my shoplifting boon. Why would I spend a dime on shit that's probably a scam? This is an example of scamming the scammers. (See my previous entry 'Pills, Pills, Pills' for more on the subject.)
5. Various skincare products and lotions.
6. I didn't do this, but one time my friend decided she didn't want to pay for garbage bags, so as she was being rung up at a store, she flipped her baby's blanket over the bags in her cart and made them disappear like she was David Copperfield.

Before I end this entry, I should pay homage to the greatest shoplifter I know. My friend... let's call her Sandtrap. This bitch is a brilliant theif. Over the course of a year or so stole basically the entire back room of one of her old jobs without anyone noticing, she probably could have opened her own franchaise in her living room.