Wow.

I woke up with two words in my head this morning. Not "french press", not "it's FRIDAAAAAAAYY", but "CON AIR".

Last night I turned Con Air on because I like action movies and thought it would be good background while I did some tidying up. I rented Con Air when I was in high school and started watching it and never got around to finishing it. I know it's supposed to be a good action movie, so why not.

I did not know that it was going to rock my world the way that it did. Con Air rules for the following reasons:

1. I like action.
2. I like an all star cast.
3. I like movies with hilarious quotes.
4. I like it when movies look super expensive.

Con Air must have cost at least seven billion dollars.

My boyfriend even agreed with me, who was approaching Con Air as a work of irony (viewing the big reveal of Steve Buscemi as a joke, or the guy who played Bubba dying yet again in the arms of his best friend as a throwback to Forrest Gump). While I am tickled by this notion and appreciate the suggestion that Con Air is meant to be hilarious, I could not disagree more. There's nothing ironic about Con Air. Do you know why? People who will pay to watch a movie like Con Air on opening weekend and who made it a $225 million blockbuster don't see irony. Parolees in wifebeaters going to the movies with their girlfriend on a weekend in the summer of 1997 did not find anything ironic about Con Air. Con Air is for real. Mad real.

I like the part in Con Air when they're all back on the plane and Malkovich is like "Alright, how did the fuzz know we were going to be there - obviously one of you fuckers ratted us out." Meanwhile the entire plane is celebrating and dancing to Lynyrd Skynyrd. Except for Cameron Poe (Cage*), who looks fucking busted. Is it any mystery?

*A note on Nicolas Cage: I recently heard someone say that Nicolas Cage will act in any movie he is offered and this is absolutely true. Knowing? Bangkok Dangerous? Next? And he's fucking bankrupt? But, whatever. He's in Wild at Heart and I love that movie and that character. There's a Wild at Heart magnet on our fridge.

Here's an example of the great dialogue in Con Air:

"What's wrong with him?"
Poe: "My first thought would be... a lot."

Brilliant.

If you think my fondness for Con Air is some ironic bullshit, you're wrong. I have no guilty pleasures. Only pleasures. This movie falls in line right next to Speed in my list of "must watch every time they're on cable" movies.

Evidently Dave Chappelle is on Con Air? Must have missed this part. Looks like I'm going to have to go buy it on Half.com for three or four bucks. You see, I can't play full price because I'm not made of money, okay. Who do I look like to you? Jerry Bruckheimer?